I didn't think he'd reply.  He must have deleted my number after I ignored some of his SMS last December.  Na delete ko na rin kasi ang number nya eh.  Yun nga lang, i have extraordinary gift/curse of remembering numbers.  walking directory ako nung high school.  So i sent him a message Saturday night.  I teased him, quoting the caption under his friendster photo with a girl.  I was in a teasing mood, having  drunk various bottles of wine, and when the wine run out, we poured extra joss into our beer.  masarap!  parang d na beer.  Tasted like mule.  Anyway, this morning, I got a message fom him.  "Ah... yeah."

Hihihi.  Sila na nga yata.  So how did I feel?  I beamed.  Stupid grin.  like this --> I was amused.  I was okay.  I wasn't happy.  OA na yun.  Do I have to comment?  Do I have to say something nice?  Maybe not.  But I want to say something.  For the happy times.  For the romance.  For the soulful lovemaking.  I want to wish him well.  Kasi hindi ako bitter.  Mahirap maging bitter kapag masaya.  At nakapag-extra joss   Siguro naman affected ako.  Syemps, minahal ko yun sa abot ng aking makakaya.  I want to wish him well kasi mabuti naman shang tao.  Matalino.  Passionate.  Mabait.  Emotionally stupid nga lang.  Hehehe.  Bata pa kasi eh.  Kahit magka-age naman kami.  I wish his new gf will stay with him long enough to see him "thru the rain." 

And when you've grown up, come back to me.  Pag hindi ka na galit sa mundo.  Pag d na pa-victim ang drama mo sa buhay, balikan mo 'ko.  Hahaha.  Hinde noh!  Wag na.  Ayoko na.

Naku what if makasalubong ko silang 2 magkasama?  O makasama ko siya ulit sa meeting tapos dumating ang jowa nya.  Sana naman wag muna habang d pa ko pumapayat muli.  Pero sige lang, cute naman ako.  cute and cuddly.

Tinanong ako ni Pansy kamakailan lang kung iniisip ko pa sha.  I said sometimes i think of him only because I do not think about him anymore.  There really doesn't seem to be any room for him in my thoughts in the current exciting life that I lead.  Siguro dahil I like thinking happy thoughts and hindi sha nakakatuwang isipin.  Mashadong negative.  Unless isipin ko yung mga unang buwan ng aming pag-iibigan.  Naks!

Kahit nga nung nagpa ayos ako ng pc and nawala yung excel file ko ng 99% of his text messages (1200++), hindi ako na-shatter.  Nag back up naman ako ng files pero that particular folder with the excel file plus word documents of thoughts and feelings too raw to be posted on blog for all the world to see, that folder didn't copy.  The universe wouldn't allow it.  Tsk tsk.  Let go na daw kasi.

Mahal ko pa ba sha?  Hindi kasi ako naniniwalang nawawala ang pagmamahal.  Nagbabago.  Like wala na akong pakialam sa pang-araw-araw nya na disposition.  I dont care for his everyday emotes.  But I'd be worried if he met an accident, or if he got a serious illness.  ganun.  ganun lang. Sa tingin ko, mahal ko pa rin naman sha.  Kaya lang, pagka kapal-kapal na siguro ng pader na nagbabalot sa aking puso para di na nya masaktan.  Ay, pa-victim ako!  hehehe.  D naman sha masamang tao.  Nakakapagod lang mahalin.  It's like riding a roller coaster minus the excitement, the thrill. 

Sige lang, marami naman akong natutunan at nadaanan.  Like the opportunity to really care.   To learn patience.  To tolerate.  To understand and understand still.  To feel.  To need and be needed.  To be sweet at kung ano-ano pang ka-kornihan.  To realize that sometimes, it's really not me--its just him.  And finally, to let go.

I loved him a lot but it was love too enmeshed with pity.  Now I want to love simply for the fun of it.